Oh Halloween, you are so, so funny

Amazon.com never ceases to disappoint me. Seriously, you want crazy, wacky things to take away from your work day, check out Amazon.com. Amazing.

Today’s search: Halloween costumes.
I skipped all the obvious ones, you know the ones with penises all over them. They’re just well, soooo last year I guess. Although, I do have memories of a giant penis waking around my college campus with a ‘Free Hugs’ sign around his neck.

And I’m not going to get into the whole Halloween is just an excuse to dress sexy. We all know this and it doesn’t need to be run into the ground.

I did come across a lot of ‘let’s-make-fun-of-the-boner thing’. You know, the inappropriate priest and some kind of genie with his ‘lamp’ in front of his nether region. Nonetheless, it was a long genie lamp. Both were actual costumes.

Oh, and what is with the trend that has every other man dressed up as a woman?

Anyway, I digress.

Here are some I found that expresses laziness in creativity or just obvious costumes.

“Oh hey Jimmy, did you see what Robbie is?”
“No, not really”
“He’s an effing ‘sperm bank!”
“Oh man, he is such a genius! I like his hair too.”



The standard breathalyzer costume. I get it, you're being pulled over with a flashlight in your face that's burning out your retinas. And those wonderful words, “Ma’am I need you to step out of the car please.”
Wait, you want me to blow where? Oh, got it, thanks, you’re so funny. Maybe you should try those girls attempting to do shots off the carpet.



Okay, wait, what are you again? I’m so dumb, I forgot to actually read what you are. I apologize. Have you met Jimmy and Robbie?



“Hey man, guess what I’m gonna be for Halloween?”
“I don’t know Robbie, what?”
“A marijuana leaf!”
“Ah no way, that is so dope!”
Aaannd….scene.



Hello I’m desperate? That’s all I have to say, oh and why the question marks? We’re not Self confident? Not Creative? Obvious?



You are so much cooler because you have an actual fifty cent piece attached like a bullet proof vest. But why is there a baseball player’s face on the front of it? And your doo rag just makes me believe it that much more.



Oh!! Killer ‘bee’, not ‘B’. You’re so witty. And thanks for the ‘grime’ on your face. It helps with the “realness” of your costume. Were you the one taking shots off the 'carpet' earlier?



So did you just look in your rear view mirror one day and think “Perfect!?” Or was it just a hike through the forest that made your heart sing?



All pictures were actual costumes and are found on www.amazon.com.

An Apple A Day...Or Whatever...

For some odd and unexplained reason I am enthralled with clichés; where they come from, what their meanings are, etc. But mainly I’m interested in their complete literal meaning because they just make me chuckle.

I think it’s because I’ve steered away from them when writing anything. They’re just, I don’t know, cliché. Here are a few that I picked out of a hat, not literally, just figuratively. Yeah, wrap your brain around that one for a few.

(And I have no idea why some of my fonts are different or the same size. I don't speak Html that well, so get over it.)

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse

I can’t just decipher your inhibitions or what you might want to eat. I need specifics. Do you need to eat a noble steed, a spotted mare or a miniature pony? Or are we just completely off the mark and you meant to say donkey instead? Oh, and I don’t have the time prepare one tonight. It’s been a long day. If you’re that hungry, you’ve got more issues that someone addicted to supersizing everything at McDonalds.

Side note : So the whole everything-tastes-like-chicken claim? Completely true. While on a trip to France, we were served what looked like chicken. Found out later (much later) that it was, yes, horse. Or if you want to get real fancy, cheveaux. Apparently I was so hungry that I ate a horse, well part of one for that matter. I guess I better get to supersizing.
[Picture-definitely something a horse would eat, does that count?]

No strings attached

Yeah, this is for all you ‘non-commital’ types. One of you made this cliché up so there would be some excuse to not be there in the morning after a booty call or one night stand. (These aren’t the same but that’s a completely different blog all together) Being the teen obsessed with *NSYNC, to me it’s just an album name. But to each his own.

But let’s think about actually having strings attached. Inconvenient. I mean how would you be able to get dressed in the morning with strings coming out of your hands and feet. Reminds me of Spiderman a bit, not the Emo version (Venom or whatever) but actual Spiderman.
[Picture-*NSYNC and their 'strings'...swoon...ahem I mean, that was a long time ago.]






Cold Feet

Ok, this one is hard because I always have cold feet. Maybe I should stop wearing flip-flops in the winter. Anyway, how could someone accuse me of having cold feet when it is a recurrent thing?

But I could see how it would be hard to get married, go in for that job interview or talk to that oh-so-cute guy in the bar if your feet are cold. The brain can only focus on so much and let me tell you if your feet are cold, your brain won’t focus on those vows, interview questions or flirtatious attitude from Mr. Oh-So-Cute. I should call him back.
[Picture-My cold feet sans pedicure...I should get on that.]

Thinking Outside The Box

What box? Where is it? I don’t get it. Why does it have to be a box?

What’s so wrong with the shape of a soup can or chip bag? (Why food, I don’t know, is it lunch yet?)

First, making ‘thinking outside the box’ a cliché isn’t really ‘thinking outside the box’, now is it? Oh what up now Cliché Master? See right now I’m thinking outside the box because what I’m writing makes no sense. Hgjr skgfh eeihs. Ssjei.<----These ‘words’ are definitely not contained within said box. Therefore, my mind has overcome itself by thinking outside itself? Okay, I’m confused and feeling too existential.

[Picture-Tramp Stamp of Hannah Montana screams 'thinking out of the box'.]

When Hell freezes over

Woo hoo! Ice skating party! No? Damn, and I bought new skates too.

How do we know that Hell isn’t frozen over already? I’m sure there have been many people who claim that something will happen ‘when Hell Freezes Over’. (i.e., I’ll date you, I’ll help you move, etc.) Now, I’m not a statistical guru or anything, but I’m sure many of these claims have come true or at least some. Therefore with statistical evidence, shouldn’t Hell already feel like a frozen tundra?

So get your skates and join me in the ultimate ice skating party! It’ll be fun, promise. Just ignore the big red mean looking guy. He’s a bit temperamental and has been threatening to take my soul or something.

[Picture-Hell hath definitely frozen over when it snows in the desert.]

Is that you Carlos?

So I swear that I saw Carlos Santana the other day. No seriously. I was driving to the library. Yes, I go to the library. Waiting for the laughing to end in one, two, three.

This guy had the full on black (maybe pinstriped?) fedora, a loose fitting, open button down shirt and comfortable "cool-guy" jeans. He even had the black coily hair. The only thing missing was the guitar. The entire time I was actually wondering why this guy didn't have his electric guitar swished behind his back, guitar pick in hand. Because of course, Carlos Santana carries his guitar with him everywhere.

Anyway, I get to the library. (I wasn't joking about the library thing.) I get the book I need and print some things off a computer. And then I see this familiar face behind a local newspaper. It was my new friend, Carlos Santana. I ended up staring at him (out of curiousity; I wasn't checking him out). And then I forgot I was staring at him. He looked right back at me probably wondering whay I was staring. Yes, I was caught. And no, it was not Carlos Santana. Not even close. But I had the look-a-like Carlos staring at me because I was curious. I wanted to ask him what it felt like to be Carlos Santana but I was in a library and my wit at that moment wasn't very quick.

And by the way, he was the perfect Monet. He looked like the real thing from far away, but the closer I got, he was nowhere near what I thought he was.

The '300' Reject

I don't understand why 'entertainers' think it's necessary to wear a sparkling gold breast plate. Yeah, I said it. And then a cape and long, flowing Rapunzel-like hair? Come on dude (ette), if you're going to wear a cape, at least make it stand out. Maybe purple or lime green? Just a suggestion.

So this was taken in Palm Springs. This dude (ette) had a large crowd listening to his 'music'. Sorry, I don't believe that an electric violin with a back-up tape qualifies. Kenny G is even better then this guy. And dare I say it, even John Tesh. And how did (s)he even 'entertain' enough to draw a large crowd.

Wait, I forgot. Palm Springs. It was too dark for golf so the older people had to be 'entertained' somehow? This is my only theory. I don't have another explanation because frankly I don't care. Okay, so maybe I do care a bit, especially when I admit that Kenny G and John Tesh are better than this guy.

Maybe, he should try out for the next 300 movie. The "Behind The Music" special if all of them hadn't died. You know the one, that shows all the Spartans as older men with black capes, and growing out their hair just because they felt frisky that day. No electric violins needed.

No Love For Small World

I love Disneyland. Absolutely love it. Not to get sentimental but I have one specific memory of watching the fireworks during winter. After the fireworks down main street, it 'snowed.' It was just soap bubbles, but nonetheless, snow for SoCal. There was a young child (maybe 3 or 4) on the shoulders of their mom or dad (at least that's what I assumed). When the 'snow' started to fall, the child was SO happy and smiled and laughed. There was even an instance where I heard the child say "It's snowing!"

Anyway, all of the rides are exciting and fun to me even though I've been on them a several times. Granted, there aren't crazy roller coasters but it's still fun.

I do have one quip with Disneyland however. I HATE Small World. Now, I don't hate a lot of things, but Small World is right up there with seal clubbers and Ann Coulter. In lieu of Small World opening after a long and absolutely wonderful absence, I have included a photo of me staring aimlessly at the puppet-like atmosphere.

Now, here I am wondering why the hell I'm looking at these wonderfully recreated cardboard flowers and expertly animated puppets. I'm sure this is halfway through the ride ahem, torture chamber experiment. Now halfway is 10 minutes. Yes, 10. Now some may claim that the ride is only 15 minutes long, but beware because to anyone sane it's actually 20 minutes. 20 minutes of the same song over and over and over again. No exaggerations. I'm not joking.

Like I said, it's on my hate list. I secretly wished (like full on shooting star wished) that while the ride was shut down there was some sort of freak accident. Fire, flood, volcano. Anything. But unfortunately whomever told me that shooting star wishes always come true was lying. Small World still opened to the public once again to torture future generations to come.

And on another note, one reason that the ride shut down to begin with was because they needed to remodel the boats. The boats were being weighed down too much because the people riding the boats were getting heavier and heavier. Congratulations America. So with that, Disneyland added an inch of water to the moat that the boats float in. Apparently it solved the probem. I think I'm going to drain the water completely from the moat so the ride will have to be shut down again. Maybe this time for good?

The Tulip Heist

I think I'm just going to add commentary to my picture here. It sounds fun. This was taken a couple years ago at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda. The sis is in the front doing the peace sign. Stereotypical to the people next to her, yes. That is why she did it. And yes, we are both going to Hell.

Moving on. I personally believe these people are discussing the purple tulips in their field of view. They are whispering however because they believe the woman behind them is a spy. You see, the peace sign is an international sign for 'spy.' (Look it up, and if you can't find it, don't panic. Remember, the international word for 'spy' is a long kept CIA secret therefore you won't be able to look it up.)

See, purple tulips are a rarity in the country where the man and woman come from. Purple tulips mean great fortune and money in this other country. They are worth more than gold and sell on the black market for hundreds more.
The large camera is actually a transport devise for tulip stems, seeds and stamens. (Why stamens? Because they can.) These people will then use the tulip parts and plant them making thousands more than the original parts they had. These people will be millionaires if all goes to plan.

I do believe the plan is for these two to pretend like tourists and when nobody is looking, take samples of the prized purple tulip. They will then continue to walk around the museum. All around are lookouts for these tulip takers. All the lookouts have large cameras and wear ridiculous polo shirts. Standard protocol. And the perfect getaway. Everyone gets into a large Mercades M Class and takes off onto the highway.

The perfect plan.

Random goals and a short story

Some random things I want to do in my lifetime.

Participate in an archeological dig.

Write a novel.

Visit each continent at least once.

Get my Masters. (the field is yet to be determined)

Learn to surf.

Go backpacking.

Stay at an incredibly fancy hotel and not worry about how much it costs.

Dye my hair blonde. (even if it's only for a week)

Drink afternoon tea in London while looking at Buckingham Palace.

Coach a volleyball team.

Go on an African safari.

Go to every Smithsonian museum in Washington D.C.

Participate in a game of cricket.

See a president be sworn in.

Learn to drive a stick.

They are indeed random, but oddly, equally important. I think another one should
say 'Get out of Yucca Valley (again)'.


And keeping with the complete randomness, a pic of NYC. It's me walking on the Brooklyn Bridge taking a pic of a couple of my friends (the two in black directly in front of me). The old dude to the left isn't one of them. Let's call him Bruce. All right, so Bruce took the afternoon off work at the stock exchange downtown to fetch some lunch. See, his thought process is that if he walks across the bridge, then he's worked off enough calories to enjoy a large slice of Brooklyn pizza. You go Bruce.

We won't judge you because of the shirt you're wearing. Okay, maybe we will. Hon, light blue doesn't go with your skin color. Tomorrow morning when you wake up, ask your wife which color looks best. Guaranteed she won't say light blue. And maybe you'll get that promotion you've been after at the exchange.

Or maybe, you'll just eat your pizza, take the subway to your tiny apartment and open your closet to only reveal light blue shirts. Hey, we all can't be perfect.

Adventure

I am in desperate need of an adventure.

I've been visiting a site: www.lonelyplanet.com a lot lately. There are so many ideas that this website gives. I just might take one of the ideas.

Peace.

Dirty Babies

I came across this and found the tag line hilarious. I clicked on it from Yahoo.



It said: 'Dirt Can Be Good For Babies: It may be healthy for babies to put dirty things in their mouths.' Bad choice of words Yahoo. FAIL. I hope I'm not the only one with the dirty mind. I don't know, maybe I've been hanging around boys too often. The ones who insist on saying 'That's what she said' after any hint of sexual innuendo no matter how subtle or non-existent it is.



Anyway, here's the link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/27/health/27brod.html?no_interstitial



It's a pretty interesting story and makes perfect sense. It is sort of odd for us to discourage that kind of behavior. It has been engrained into our heads that 'Dirt is bad' when in fact a little dirt is fine for a healthy immune system. Seems hypocritical, doesn't it?

Disco Dancing

I'm tired. I don't know why. No wait. Yeah, it probably has something to do with getting up at 5:30 AM. I usually sleep until 8 but this morning, I had visitation at the high school. That was a weird experience in itself. Flashback: Circa 1999-2003.

And I was about the same height as the students. I'm used to being shorter, but in a group of all kids younger then you, it can be a bit intimidating. I guess I need to invest in a 5 inch pair of heels. You know, just to make a statement.

Okay, I found this picture on my flash drive. It's on most of the rides at Disneyland. Holding hands is permitted. But No disco dancing! (There's a certain tone when you say it. It's hard to explain, but it's there!) Sorry, I just thought it was funny.

'Going Green' with plastic?

Whoever came up with the "Going Green" ad campaign is a pure genius. Wait did I say ad campaign? Of course I did. It's a fad, a trend. That's it. "Going green" is like a fashion statement. People will buy more 'green' products if it's the cool thing to do. Now, there's an entire market of 'green' things. And most of these items cost some more as well.

If you say "Oh, we should all 'Go green.'" do you really have any idea what you're talking about? Just jumping on the bandwagon of all those other people who 'care for the environment.'

Example: I was in Target the other day and was looking at the cleaning supplies. Of course there was a bottle that claimed to be 'green.' I think the bottle was even called 'Going Green.' (I know this 'going green' is a little redundant.) But behold, the product was in a PLASTIC bottle. Not an earth friendly biodegradable bottle. No, it was petroleum based plastic.

A bit hypocritical. But the bottle said the cleaning ingredients were 'green.' But yet that person who is jumping on the bandwagon is more than likely going to pick up that 'green' cleaning solution and not even think twice. Only because it has the phrase "Going green" on it. And they're paying more. Ad person: Genius.

Lake Superior State University gives a list each year of the most overused words. And guess what made the 2008 list?
http://www.lssu.edu/banished/current.php Yup, that's right 'green' or 'going green', etc. There are also fun ones like 'maverick' and 'bailout' that are on the list.

Dream Interpretations

So I have this thing with dreaming about horrific weather. No joke. I've dreamt probably in the last year (from what I can remember) about 3 tornadoes, 2 volcanoes, and my street being completely flooded. I don't know what my issue with weather is. Seriously. And these dreams are the ones that are the most vivid.

So last night I dreamt about a tornado. Shocker. I'm at a restaurant with my family in Iowa. Don't ask me how I knew it was Iowa, I just knew. So, it's this Joe's Crab Shack kind of a resaturant (sans seafood). The waiters and waitresses are dancing and entertaining the guests. I look out the window, which is floor to ceiling, and see about 20 funnel clouds. No biggie. In fact my aunt even comments on how cool they look. Okay, so we're looking out the window but there's no scenery. Just a flat piece of land with a grey, fog-like sky.

These funnel clouds begin to come closer and end up becoming tornadoes. My family finally realizes that these tornadoes are coming towards us. So we quickly get up and walk towards the center of the restaurant and ask one of the waiters if there is anywhere for us to bunker down for the tornadoes coming. The waiter nods, we walk into the kitchen and then I'm woken up by my cell phone.

Okay, so let's interpret this. I typed 'dream interpretation' into Yahoo and picked the first site that came up, (http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreamdictionarysearch.pl?method=exact&header=dreamsymbol&search=tornado) so who knows how scientific this is.

Tornado: 'You are experiencing extreme emotional outbursts.'
Yes, I am experiencing an emotional outburst towards this interpretation.

Several Tornadoes: represents those in your life who have mood swings and can have violent outbursts.
If by violent you mean, throwing Tupperware.

Restaurant: Either I need 'emotional nourishment' or I have many choices in my life I need to make and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.
True. There are several times I feel overwhelmed by 'life choices.' Touché.

Family: Either there is rivlary in my family or they are a sense of a security. I might also be overly dependent on my family.
I'm not overly dependent on my family, I just fear becoming overly dependent on them.

Score for Dream Interpretation: 2 out of 4. 50%. .500 in baseball (which is nearly impossible.) But that's not the point. It's still half. Fail.
I might have to research a little further next time I need my dreams interpreted.

The beginning

My goal: To actually continually write and keep up with this blog.
My issue: It hasn't happened. I just always stop writing.

I don't know why. It just always happened. And I'm sure people aren't interested to know what goes on in my mundane life day in and day out. I'm really not trying to blow anybody's mind but if your mind does get blown, I apologize. It was not part of the plan.
So let's make this interesting or make our best efforts in doing so.

A bit about myself. I graduated with a bachelor's in communication with an emphasis in journalism. So I guess you could say writing is my forte, but not in an article-writing, fact-checking sort of way. Maybe that's why I'm not a journalist. It's just not my type of writing.

I am always trying to find myself. I am on my way of knowing who I am but there are still bits missing. I am creative and at times witty but I'm not sure how it translates on the page. I guess I'll find out.

And with that, I'll think about what I'll write about tomorrow and if I do write tomorrow it will be an improvement from my other failed daily blog excursions.