Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Today’s search: Halloween costumes.
I skipped all the obvious ones, you know the ones with penises all over them. They’re just well, soooo last year I guess. Although, I do have memories of a giant penis waking around my college campus with a ‘Free Hugs’ sign around his neck.
And I’m not going to get into the whole Halloween is just an excuse to dress sexy. We all know this and it doesn’t need to be run into the ground.
I did come across a lot of ‘let’s-make-fun-of-the-boner thing’. You know, the inappropriate priest and some kind of genie with his ‘lamp’ in front of his nether region. Nonetheless, it was a long genie lamp. Both were actual costumes.
Oh, and what is with the trend that has every other man dressed up as a woman?
Anyway, I digress.
Here are some I found that expresses laziness in creativity or just obvious costumes.
“Oh hey Jimmy, did you see what Robbie is?”
“No, not really”
“He’s an effing ‘sperm bank!”
“Oh man, he is such a genius! I like his hair too.”
The standard breathalyzer costume. I get it, you're being pulled over with a flashlight in your face that's burning out your retinas. And those wonderful words, “Ma’am I need you to step out of the car please.”
Wait, you want me to blow where? Oh, got it, thanks, you’re so funny. Maybe you should try those girls attempting to do shots off the carpet.
Okay, wait, what are you again? I’m so dumb, I forgot to actually read what you are. I apologize. Have you met Jimmy and Robbie?
“Hey man, guess what I’m gonna be for Halloween?”
“I don’t know Robbie, what?”
“A marijuana leaf!”
“Ah no way, that is so dope!”
Hello I’m desperate? That’s all I have to say, oh and why the question marks? We’re not Self confident? Not Creative? Obvious?
You are so much cooler because you have an actual fifty cent piece attached like a bullet proof vest. But why is there a baseball player’s face on the front of it? And your doo rag just makes me believe it that much more.
Oh!! Killer ‘bee’, not ‘B’. You’re so witty. And thanks for the ‘grime’ on your face. It helps with the “realness” of your costume. Were you the one taking shots off the 'carpet' earlier?
So did you just look in your rear view mirror one day and think “Perfect!?” Or was it just a hike through the forest that made your heart sing?
All pictures were actual costumes and are found on www.amazon.com.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
For some odd and unexplained reason I am enthralled with clichés; where they come from, what their meanings are, etc. But mainly I’m interested in their complete literal meaning because they just make me chuckle.I think it’s because I’ve steered away from them when writing anything. They’re just, I don’t know, cliché. Here are a few that I picked out of a hat, not literally, just figuratively. Yeah, wrap your brain around that one for a few.
(And I have no idea why some of my fonts are different or the same size. I don't speak Html that well, so get over it.)
I can’t just decipher your inhibitions or what you might want to eat. I need specifics. Do you need to eat a noble steed, a spotted mare or a miniature pony? Or are we just completely off the mark and you meant to say donkey instead? Oh, and I don’t have the time prepare one tonight. It’s been a long day. If you’re that hungry, you’ve got more issues that someone addicted to supersizing everything at McDonalds.Side note : So the whole everything-tastes-like-chicken claim? Completely true. While on a trip to France, we were served what looked like chicken. Found out later (much later) that it was, yes, horse. Or if you want to get real fancy, cheveaux. Apparently I was so hungry that I ate a horse, well part of one for that matter. I guess I better get to supersizing.
[Picture-definitely something a horse would eat, does that count?]
Yeah, this is for all you ‘non-commital’ types. One of you made this cliché up so there would be some excuse to not be there in the morning after a booty call or one night stand. (These aren’t the same but that’s a completely different blog all together) Being the teen obsessed with *NSYNC, to me it’s just an album name. But to each his own.But let’s think about actually having strings attached. Inconvenient. I mean how would you be able to get dressed in the morning with strings coming out of your hands and feet. Reminds me of Spiderman a bit, not the Emo version (Venom or whatever) but actual Spiderman.
[Picture-*NSYNC and their 'strings'...swoon...ahem I mean, that was a long time ago.]
Ok, this one is hard because I always have cold feet. Maybe I should stop wearing flip-flops in the winter. Anyway, how could someone accuse me of having cold feet when it is a recurrent thing?But I could see how it would be hard to get married, go in for that job interview or talk to that oh-so-cute guy in the bar if your feet are cold. The brain can only focus on so much and let me tell you if your feet are cold, your brain won’t focus on those vows, interview questions or flirtatious attitude from Mr. Oh-So-Cute. I should call him back.
[Picture-My cold feet sans pedicure...I should get on that.]
What box? Where is it? I don’t get it. Why does it have to be a box?
What’s so wrong with the shape of a soup can or chip bag? (Why food, I don’t know, is it lunch yet?)
First, making ‘thinking outside the box’ a cliché isn’t really ‘thinking outside the box’, now is it? Oh what up now Cliché Master? See right now I’m thinking outside the box because what I’m writing makes no sense. Hgjr skgfh eeihs. Ssjei.<----These ‘words’ are definitely not contained within said box. Therefore, my mind has overcome itself by thinking outside itself? Okay, I’m confused and feeling too existential.
[Picture-Tramp Stamp of Hannah Montana screams 'thinking out of the box'.]
When Hell freezes over
Woo hoo! Ice skating party! No? Damn, and I bought new skates too.
How do we know that Hell isn’t frozen over already? I’m sure there have been many people who claim that something will happen ‘when Hell Freezes Over’. (i.e., I’ll date you, I’ll help you move, etc.) Now, I’m not a statistical guru or anything, but I’m sure many of these claims have come true or at least some. Therefore with statistical evidence, shouldn’t Hell already feel like a frozen tundra?
So get your skates and join me in the ultimate ice skating party! It’ll be fun, promise. Just ignore the big red mean looking guy. He’s a bit temperamental and has been threatening to take my soul or something.